Forgiveness.. Or Maybe Not.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is defined as: to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone).

In relationships, we often find ourselves making choices to compromise, to accept the other person, and to forgive our partners. The hardest part of any relationship is to forgive your partner for emotionally hurting you or who has behaved poorly. People always tell you “forgive, but don’t forget!” ….That doesn’t mean say you forgive and add it to the Mental Score Board of Wrongness!

Forgiveness forces a person to accept the flaw in another, to move beyond emotions, and to let go of blame. To take ownership of your choice to move on. To take ownership of your feelings and actions, in regards to the situation, from that moment forward.

But in moments when things go wrong, when another situation arises, many people find themselves remembering all the wrong from the past… This is when that stupid score board starts creeping right back into your mind.

“You messed this up? Just like when you did x,y, and z!!!”  You start out by angrily pointing out the new mistake, followed by bombarding the person with past issues.  You do this to back up all the reasons why they suck and they mess up all the time. You’re right and you’re perfect.

It’s hard to forgive when something truly hurts because when a person is hurt: they will remember it. It can pop in their head at any moment, cause mistrust, cause suspicion, and create arguments. In other words, a toxic relationship that can’t move forward, can’t continue with the same love it deserves, and brings both parties down.

If you’re bringing up old situations, discussing wrongdoings, or using them as a weapon during arguments… It might be that the act was not actually forgiven.  It might mean that you or your partner is still holding on to resentment, anger, and is not happy about the situation.

If someone bumps into you at the grocery store and says “I am sorry! I’m having a bad day.” You’d respond “No problem… We all have bad days!” At least I hope that’s what the response would be. Once you’ve said, no problem, you don’t bring it up and talk about it years later. That’s craziness. 

If you choose to forgive someone for anything, make sure that in your heart, you truly mean it. It would sure make the new arguments easier and shorter😉 Not to mention you would have a better relationship. 

If you’re not ready to forgive – don’t lie to yourself or your partner.  A lack of honesty is one of the biggest issues in relationships these days. And lying about forgiveness is definitely the way to have continuous arguments that will stress you out, make you crazy, and are unnecessary. It is also important to note that you should also forgive yourself if you’ve done something wrong to your partner.  People do make mistakes and you can’t be in prison for it for the rest of your life.

It all comes down to trust and to have trust, you’ve got to be honest.

Now, if you can’t forgive, and you find yourself discussing the same past behaviors over, and over, and over again… Maybe you can’t forgive. Maybe you need a therapist. Maybe you need to move on…

No one likes a half-assed apology… And no one likes half-assed forgiveness either.

Just a thought,

-Cris